Act Two: Use Kind Words

I didn't always believe in our ability to do good - because I didn't think we were good.

Maybe you relate. Seeped into many of our psyches is this idea we’re somehow bad or broken. We all carry around different labels - lazy, ugly, selfish, greedy - but the underlying judgement is almost always the same, and it's hardly surprising. From our media’s prejudices to loved ones’ tired remarks, it's almost impossible to escape the invalidating messages that give rise to unhealthy self-beliefs, especially with our brain’s negativity bias.

So how do we change these beliefs and become our own cheerleaders? Or are we doomed to remain self-critics? Several years ago I decided to run a little experiment and find out: I would suggest a few kinder labels to myself and see what happened.

Well, I‘ll tell you what happened: I didn't believe a single word! The push back was real. But I very gently kept at it, finding what I thought could maybe pass as evidence to support them until very slowly these kinder labels actually did begin to feel like valid alternatives. And that’s when the magic happened! I started noticing good everywhere - not just in me, but in all of us.

With a more positive view of life, it became so much easier - and exciting - to turn ideas into actions. I began transitioning to a plant-based diet, I reduced my waste and I moved away from fast fashion.

I can't prove the two are connected, you need more than anecdotal data for that, but it was enough to convince me: we’re not held back from making a difference because we’re bad. We’re held back by self-doubt. We have no idea just how good we are.

It’s true we’re not perfect. And in single moments of time we all do things we regret. But it’s also true that if we let these moments define us they become more prominent in our lives not less.

Negative self-talk paralyses us from making positive lifestyle changes. It’s difficult to trust ideas and intuitions if we think they come from a bad place.

But you are not bad. You are kind, courageous, generous, adventurous, patient, encouraging...

What if we chose to define ourselves using words from this kinda script? Can you find events in your life to support one of them even if you don’t believe it yet? At least imagine how writing to your political representative might be a sign of motivation? Or how deciding to check up on a friend (and following through!) shows compassion?

How we talk to ourselves matters. Our beliefs are shaped by what we hear, and there’s no one you hear more from than you. Negative self-beliefs run deep and most of us will need more than a few positive affirmations for them to change. Uplifting friendships and professional expertise are invaluable here and consistency is key - there's no quick fix - but give yourself time and a whole lotta grace and maybe you too will be surprised by the power of a few kind words!

Self-reflection

What do you tell yourself about who you are that holds you back? Can you find evidence to contradict it? Bet some exists! Jot it down to look at the next time self-doubt hits.